Whatever your age, and whoever has died, holidays lived in the absence of someone dear can be difficult.
Customary routines are ended, never to be repeated in quite the same way.
Easy-going laughter, once so commonplace, may be awkward or altogether missing.
Gift-giving, once so fun-filled, may seem somehow empty.
Familiar songs, once so comforting, may catch in your throat.
All this happens against a backdrop of significant questions you may find yourself asking in one form or another:
What exactly is happening to me? Can I possibly survive this? Do I even want to? Is what I am feeling normal? Am I losing touch with my sanity? How long will this turmoil last? What can I do to help myself get through this ordeal?
The holiday season itself adds to its own share of questions. How can I make it through all the events of the holidays while missing so desperately the one I love? Would I be better off to ignore the holidays this year? Should I act as if everything is normal? Should I make major changes in my holiday rituals? Should I travel somewhere different and distant to escape my sadness or at least ease my pain?
If you’re like most people in grief, you will have many questions, but not all questions have ready answers. There may be different answers depending upon the many factors that make each relationship, each loss, and each resulting grief experience unique.
Often, there are no “right” and “wrong” answers as to how you as a bereaved person should approach the holidays, but there are some general guidelines that I found helpful after the loss of my husband. Keep in mind that each person is unique, so exceptions are to be expected.
The first thing I did after Arvid died was to pray to God and ask Him to help me want to prepare for the holidays. If it depended on myself and how I felt, I would have rather just stayed in bed until it was over.
It has been four years since my loss, and I continue to pray that same prayer during this time of the year to help prepare me.
All the holidays are different for me now, but they can be a very special time as God gives me His perspective. Last year I started a new tradition at Christmas. I gave each of my grandchildren money to give to someone in need in 2024. This year as we come together at Christmas, I can’t wait to hear their story of how they helped someone in need and how it affected them.
Seek God and His promises by reading the Bible to draw strength when you feel most vulnerable.
Be good to yourself. Make decisions that will bring you peace.
The decisions that you make for yourself may not be understood by family and friends but that is alright. Be aware that there are others that want to help you. Ask for help. Unwrap your feelings and mourn with someone that will listen to your story.
Yes, you probably will feel a multitude of emotions, but it will be another step to healing. Share your memories. Be still and sit in God’s presence if that is all you can do.
Days before Thanksgiving, I would journal and thank God for my many blessings. Days before Christmas, I would read the Christmas story to remind me of Jesus who was born but also was going to die for my sins and the sins of the world. The first year after my loss, I could hardly do any of that, but I kept trying. Each year it gets easier.
I close with my final thought. When I experienced the darkest moments on my grief journey, the Lord God showed up in ways that I never experienced before in my life. He can do the same for you.
“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!” (1 Chronicles 16:11 ESV)
I would love to hear from you and how you are getting through the holidays. Email me at chaplainliz@scsm.tv